Sound Mind, Sound Spirit, Sound Wallet

I usually have a very sound mind and I would think that I have good skills when it comes to being the voice of reason. And then - dut dut duhhhhh...it hits.

I guess it's just like it will be in the upcoming movie..."You know that feeling when you fall in love and your head gets fuzzy and your heart melts like butter? Well that's how I feel about clothes." (Shopaholic).

Ok - well, maybe not about clothes in general, but for me - I have a ridiculous calling for the high end stuff. It really sucks. I will pass up a Starbuck's coffee many times & clip coupons for groceries because I don't want to waste my money. HOWEVER I have also been known to drop $375 on shoes, $500 on dresses and at one point in time I believe that I would have totally dropped $240 to go to French Laundry just to have the 10 course dinner expertly created by the great Thomas Keller.

Since I was born I had the best of everything, always. Don't get me wrong - I didn't grow up in a mansion or ride in Bentley's or anything. I just had a taste for the more expensive. Not knowing the cost, I would eat the roe from a crab rather than the crab itself. If you gave me a choice between chicken soup and sharks fin soup, I would swim with the sharks. Blindfolded, I would pick out a $300 wool sweater over a $30 wool sweater everytime, guaranteed. I always lived in a house that was of ample size and always brand new and custom built. I always have had a car to drive whether it be my father's or my own. I think the only place where my mom held me back on was my clothing. BUT then my father spoiled me by letting me design my prom dresses and later on, wedding dress, and would proceed to make it for me - something that people normally don't get to do. I don't know if this predisposition for the expensive stuff is innate or developed in me because I'm the only one out of my siblings who are like this.

Today in Bloomingdales the words - SHOES - BAGS - SALE - were just a trap laid out for me to walk into. They must have known I was coming.

This is where my voice of reason wavers. This is why I have in the past racked up debt. This is why Andrew and I have joint accounts.

The thing is that I would spend a good chunk of money on something of high quality and when I do this, I end up using that item very carefully and well for over 10 years. Really - I have shoes that are that old already. Plus, they fit me better. I'm not Twiggy and I can't fit into teeny bopper clothes for the pre-pubescent children models they have out there. So these jackets from Burberry, dresses from BCBG, pants from Zac Posen - they fit as if I were the form fitting model they were crafted on.

So I perused through the department goods - trying on shoes, putting the buttery soft leather bag on my shoulder. Yup - it's like a head trip when I'm in there.

And then - I walked away. As I always do now. I've been praying for humility, humbleness and that God would seriously fix my whacked-up spending brain. Seriously - I do say that word-for-word. Every day I am to be doing something great for Him. Every day I am supposed to think about my riches in heaven. And embarassingly enough, I get sucked into the riches of this world instead. It's hard but I feel that God gives me little windows of opportunity called outlet malls and sales. Then I don't feel so ridiculous buying something that is $30 down from $250. I think I will never be filthy rich because God knows that it might be the end of me but He has always provided me with much more than I'd ever need and for that I am thankful. I am also thankful for a husband who is understanding and scary enough that I feel the need to really prove to him that I can live off a budget too.

Thankfully my husband still lets me splurge where I love to splurge the most. Spending money for church stuff - especially my youth group. I love(d) to take out my youth and feed them, give them little gifts on birthdays, treat them to movies and karaoke. They'd always try to pay me back but I told them, "You just do it for the kids younger than you in church, when you have a job." Isn't that the way it should be? Pour into the next generation. I don't get to do that much now but once in a blue moon I get the chance.

Anyway. I left Bloomy's tonight feeling like I failed again due to my coveting shiny things. I said my, "God, please kick my spend-crazy alter-ego in the butt and please remind me of the things that are truly important to you" prayer. Of course, right on cue, a man walked up to me and asked me to support "The United Negro Hamburger Fund". I'm glad that God has such a great sense of humour to share with a crazy person like me.