Guess Who's Back?...Back Again

I’ve got to say that it’s been a long hard road these past few months. Taking the January-April semester off for my sanity may have damaged my sanity even more. Feeding others and not being fed enough myself has left me one broken shell of a person. A series of unfortunate events as well as life decisions thrown in for good measure has eaten up a lot of my thoughts and time. I may be due for a long vacation, but I’ve been long overdue for a serious kick in the butt. For those who don’t know, I’ve been spread thin…again…in every which way possible, pushing a completely switched-on car up a hill when all I needed to do was get in and press the gas, letting the Spirit fuel me. It’s not surprising that 80% of pastors or ministers out there suffer from burnout, depression, and can not take a vacation without feeling guilty. I too have fallen into this 80th percentile. I had seriously began to doubt my role in ministry, if I had read God’s directions wrong and I was really supposed have some other sort of occupation. I just felt like I was doing everything I could possibly do in my power to change lives, getting mad at myself because nothing was changing and everything seemed to be getting worse. Those around me were all at a spiritual low or just didn't care. People were quitting God, or God didn't fit into their schedules so they just left Him out until they had an opening. It was depressing and at times still is. Yet I didn’t wait for the Holy Spirit to do its thing which can sometimes take a lifetime. Hey man, I’m a results oriented person. I just need to adjust my pattern of thought, that’s all. Funny enough, after doing devotions one night, praying hard about all this, talking to my dad and all, I resolved to not let Satan hold me down from doing God’s ministry (nor anyone or anything else for that matter). Shortly afterwards, some things I had been praying for were answered quite blatantly to me, I was able to join in fellowship with some old friends from the SOR Team…thanks Joe, Josh and Mimi! Plus a very relaxed and revealing weekend retreat at Jackson’s which really revealed God’s spirit working with us and in the congregation. I’ve still got far to go and I’m not exactly jumping up and down all crazy on fire or anything…I’ve never been that kind of person, more the steady climb…must be an eldest child thing…Like a rock?! We just pretend to be. But it’s not that I’m not on fire, it just that I know that I have to buckle down and make sure this stuff does not happen to me again, nor to those who are involved in ministry. It’s a crazy sickness that will get you so fast, creeps up on you, and you don’t know it’s there until you’re at absolute rock bottom. Any doctors out there should seriously come up with a clinical term and diagnosis for this. Ministry Madness? Ministry Mayhem? Pastor’s Burnout? …ok someone help me out here…obviously I suck at this… I’m still recovering from my sleep depravity but it was a great weekend. Great retreat and thanks to all who came. For those who missed out…I hope you’ll be there next year but why wait until next year when you can experience glimpses of it every Sunday? Also thanks to the SOR team for their willingness and passion to step out in faith and ministry. As a side note, I was looking up at the calendar today and it hit me. 100 days…my baek-il, of being coffee free. I was seriously contemplating quitting this whole “no coffee deal”, especially these past 2 weeks. The reason why I quit well…let’s just say it was really heavy on my heart and was beating down hard on my emotional life, only because I care a lot. But, I’m happy I’ve done it. I’m happy to keep doing it now. Yes, it’s like I’ve lost my best friend…Starbucks signs will always bring a wistful tear to my eye. BUT…as cheesy as it sounds, God’s my best friend so really, nothing can compare right? Mind you, this does not mean I’ve been caffine-free…are you kidding me?! For those of you who thought it was impossible…well “HA”. Besides, now that I’ve been off it for so long, it would have to be the best freakin’ coffee that I’d have to break this bet for. Man, why do I have a feeling that the best coffee in the world does not exist!…it’d be like chasing ambrosia. Dang.